Terrible Alternate Endings to Lincoln Had They Ended Like Other Spielberg Films

 

If it ended like Jurassic Park: Lincoln and his family escape the burning ruins of America in a helicopter, Abraham looking mournfully at an unused speech tucked in his top hat.

 If it ended like Munich: Lincoln has terrible, tortured sex with Mary Todd while visions of the Civil War raged in his head. (His chest is manlier than we think.)

 If it ended like The Color Purple: after the 13th Amendment passes, random black people all over the country start running into the arms of other black people crying out “CELIE!” while smiling former slave masters look upon them, with pride.

 If it ended like Amistad: Daniel Day Lewis is suddenly in blackface.

 If it ended like Schindler’s List: A bunch of black people in 2012 would dress up like slaves and walk in a slow line to the Lincoln Memorial, while Tommy Lee Jones, still in costume, would grovel and weep while admitting HE COULD HAVE DONE MORE.

 If it ended like Minority Report: John Wilkes Booth tries to shoot Lincoln in the back of the head to prevent him from allowing blacks to vote (in the future!), however as Lincoln had already known this attack was coming, he arrogantly informs Booth that he’d secretly passed another amendment to allow blacks to vote, and the previous day had arranged for a hitman to shoot John Wilkes Booth at that very theater. Which the hitman does. In the back of Booth’s head.

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One thought on “Terrible Alternate Endings to Lincoln Had They Ended Like Other Spielberg Films

  1. […] submission Kon-Tiki and the Argentinian Andres Muschietti who directed Jessica Chastain in Mama.Pretty Dead Hair dreams up alternative terrible Spielbergian endings to Lincoln. Drawn A short history of the […]

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